What do you think of my NROTC essay?

It is pretty good. The one thing that I see missing is leadership. The USN is looking for established leaders. You cannot teach that. I think you have the beginnings going in your 2nd statement, but I would expand on it. If you are the Captain, or a co-captain of the swim team or cross country team, then say so. What level did you attain as a boy scout? The Navy wants an established leader. Even if you are only good at one thing, be a leader in that one thing.